Something So Small
by ImpenetrableMelencholia
Summary: Diamonds never had the reverie that something as small as a cigarette can have such a negative impact on someone's life. As his world crashes around him luckily Spades is always there. Midnight Crew AU


**Probably the most interesting part of producing 'Something So Small' (besides the extensive research I delved in) was the writing style. A simple style writing that consisted a few details and dialogue. I read a Homestuck fanfic with this writing style and was just so fascinated by the technique that I found myself trying to replicate the type of writing into a story I had in mind. I then realized that it didn't really have the flow that I was looking for so I'm going to try and do it normally.**

You turn around and look at yourself with the mirror located above the cabinet and can't comprehend what you see. Your skin is paler and you have bags under your eyes and your arms and legs look so thin that they might break with just a simple touch. Your suit that you have on frm that day now hangs loosely on your skinny frame. You sigh as step away from the mirror, unable to even look at yourself right now. You go by the window and carefully unlock it and open it slowly and just let in the warm air. Oh? Winter was over now. You've been in this place for so long that you don't want to be here anymore. But we're getting ahead of ourselves let's rewind to where it all started.

You remember him specifically telling you that this was going to happen. It was a cool and clear night you remember it clearly because the power was out in the whole city and if you looked up at the sky you could see the stars shining brightly. The both of you stood side by side on an abandoned building that used to be a factory. You had a cigarette dimly lit in your hand and he had a almost empty bottle of booze in his hand. The other two were off somewhere so that just left you and him staring at the vibrant moon and stars that illuminated the sky like fireflies stuck in the sky and can't escape.

"Ya know..', He says to you obviously drunk and the stench of alcohol in his breath. He takes another swig from the bottle before he continues. "Those things are gonna' kill ya' one day.", He slurs as he points to the small object in your hand. You remember rolling your eyes at this notion and put the cigarette in your mouth . He scowls but says nothing next. If he was just drunk or didn't care you didn't know. Such a small object was not going to effect you it was absolutely stupid and despite the logic and facts you already knew about cigarettes you just couldn't find yourself to believe it.

But now you wish that you had listened to him.

You remember the day like it was yesterday although now it seems like it was years ago. It started off with you coughing really hard during breakfast. The cough was strange though. It didn't seem like it was just a regular cold cough.

"What are ya' tryin' to do, hack up your lungs?", you remember him saying with his mouth full of sausage (that you had made). You say nothing back and continue to flip more pancakes on the stove for Clubs. Throughout the day the cough becomee a reaccurance and appeared frequently despite the cold medicine you tried to take to help cease the cough. Spades stared at you thoughout the day like if he took his eyes off of you then you would explode. At that time you thought that there was nothing to be concerned about and that he was just acting ridiculous. It was just a cough that will go away like normal coughs but now you see how much of a fool you were.

Throughout the week the cough just gets worse and more intense. Spades continued to watch over. He tries be sneaky while doing so but he made it quite obvious that he was there. The usual short missions that he would assign to you he then gave to Hearts and Clubs like if he sent you then you might die from coughing during the mission. You found this ridiculous also. You even confronted him about this.

"I'm fine Spades.", You say through gritted teeth. He scoffs and roll his eyes.

"No you're not Diamonds! You're fuckin' coughin' like crazy and honestly its fuckin' scarin' me!", He says with sincerity. You roll your eyes and march out of the room, slamming the door behind you out of anger. You had convinced yourself that the cough was just something that will go away soon and even if it didn't go away, who cares? It was just a little cough you kept telling yourself until you believed that this was the truth.

Two weeks of coughing turned worse believe it or not. Your chest started hurting daily. It wasn't because of the coughing though which confused you greatly. It hurt and it didn't help that soon after your back started hurting along with it. You stayed quiet though. You didn't want to appear weak in front of them and you knew that if Spades knew he would just be even more overprotective than he was then. Your idiotic self still managed to convince yourself that you were fine.

Then you started having trouble breathing. Breathing in air felt like you lungs were on fire and it felt like no matter how much air tried to breathe it wasn't enough.

They knew that this wasn't supposed to be happening. They noticed how you were breathing weirdly especially when you were walking or picking up something heavy.

"Diamonds are you ok?", You remember Clubs innocently asking with a gleam of worry in his eyes. He was helping you carry groceries and you were carrying five heavy bags.

"I'm perfectly fine Clubs.", You say, trying to keep the anger and annoyance out of your tone. You just couldn't understand why they didn't think you were ok. You were perfectly fine.

Spades started hovering over you even more, so much that he didn't even care if you noticed anymore. He knew something was seriously wrong and he couldn't understand why you didn't notice that something was wrong, why you kept constantly denying it even though it was clear as day.

Then one day things went horribly wrong. You were in your room having a coughing fit which had by now become completely normal to you except this one seemed longer and you couldn't breathe. After thirty agonising seconds you finally stop coughing but you noticed this weird metallic taste in your mouth. You look down at the hand you were coughing in and can't believe what you see. Blood. You coughed up blood. Now it finally registers inside your brain.

There was something wrong with your lungs and you had a suspicion that you're smoking caused it.

"Hey Diamonds?", Spades asks as he knocks on your door. You open the door and hide your hand stained with blood behind your back.

"What?", You ask him. "I just heard ya' coughin' longer then fuckin' usual, so just wanted to make sure you're still breathin'".

"Well I'm fine so there's nothing to worry about..", You say and you see Spade's eyes narrow a bit in suspicion.

"Alright, but I'm takin' ya' to a docter soon.", He says and leaves before you can respond. You knew that he knew that something was up and now you know that he is right. You're little fantasy of everything is ok was starting to crash around you. You realized that you were a fool for not realizing it. You felt this odd feeling. You felt a little scared. You promised yourself that you would never pick up a cigarette ever again but this was easier said then done. Smoking had become a habit to you, something you do daily. You tell yourself that you're going to just have one more and then it'll be over.

You take a pack of cigarettes on your dresser and put then in your pants pocket. You open your door and poke your head out in the hallway. When you saw Spades no where near in sight you stepped out of your room and headed to the backyard where you could smoke your final cigarette in peace, or so you thought. Once you went outside in the chilly weather it was even harder to breathe. The cold air hurt your throat and when it went in your lungs it felt like you just swallowed acid. You start having second thoughts about having a cigarette but you ignored them.

Your breathing started to quicken. It was all just so stressful to you that now you needed to smoke. You shakily reached into your pocket and took out the pack of cigarettes. You take a single cigarette out. Something so small will never be able to hurt you. That's what you always had thought and that's what you felt at that moment. You take out your match and light the tiny killer. You put it in your mouth and inhaled the smoke like normally. Except it wasn't.

Except it was different now. A lot different. As soon as you inhale the smoke you double over and cough uncontrollably. You try to intake air but your body is just not listening and continues to relentlessly cough up a mixture of crimson blood and mucus and it won't stop. The red metallic liquid oozes over the corners of your mouth as you desperately tried to intake the cold air, not even caring how much it hurt your lungs before but you end up coughing even more. You start to feel hazy from the lack of air and your head, throat, and chest start to hurt. Especially your chest though. It felt as if your lungs were slowly disintegrating inside of you. You were then laying on the cold ground, you hugged your knees up to your chest as the pile of blood and mucus continued to puddle into a huge mess that made the ground you were on look like a crime scene. You remember thinking that it was going to be the end. Then he came.

"Diamonds I heard ya' coughin' aga- HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT!", He says in suprise. He just stood there for a couple of seconds, not sure what to do and probably was shocked at the sight. When he finally snapped out of it he ran over to you and knelt down to his knees.

"Fuck! Fuck! Diamonds, no don't you dare fuckin' close your eyes! Clubs! Hearts!", He desperately yelled as your eyes began to feel pretty heavy. He started to rub your back and eventually just started to hit it, tty to stop the coughing. Your eyes began to water from the lack of oxygen and tears spilled out of your eyes.

"Fuck! Diamonds it's fine! You're not going to die I promise!", Spades says, he thought that you were crying out of emotion but really at the time all you wanted was oxygen, not gray ladies or anything else just fucking oxygen.

"D-Diamonds?", Clubs said as he finally came with Hearts behind him.

"Holy shit!", Hearts said as he took in the sight of the mighty Diamonds Droog hugging his knees and crying (from lack of oxygen) and spewing out blood and some mucus.

Spades decided to finally take action and picked up your shaking form and quickly went inside, not caring if his suit got blood or if the floors got mucus on them, if you would have died he wouldn't know what to do. He carried you to his room and set you down on his bed, desperately hoping that the warmth of his bed would calm your cough and it actually kind of did. You finally stopped coughing and greedily took in air so fast that you felt like you might have coughed again but thankfully you didn't. Spades sighs out of relief.

"Thank fuckin' god!", He said with a small smile.

"Th-Thanks." You said shakily, you were trying to get enough air to make up for that three minute cough. You remember hating how vulnerable you looked. You always hated looking weak, especially in front of them.

"I'm just glad that you're ok.", Spades said not even caring how sappy that souded. He almost lost you there.

Clubs then ran in as fast as he could with his small legs and handed you a glass of water which you gratefully excepted and you gulped down the water in one go. Then Hearts came in. He whispered something in Spade's ear and the next thing you knew Spades stomped over to you. He grabbed your blood soaked tie and starts yelling at you. Clubs and Hearts tried to calm him down but they couldn't stop him.

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT DIAMONDS! WHAT THE FUCKIN' HELL WERE YOU THINKING? I TOLD YOU THOSE STUPID THINGS WERE GOING TO KILL YA' ONE DAY, WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME! YOU ALMOST DIED YOU STUPID IDIOT, YOU KNEW THAT YOU HAD THIS COUGH BUT YOU JUST DECIDED TO CONTINUE KILLING YOURSELF! WHY ARE YA' SO FUCKIN' STUPID?!", He yelled in your face . You stayed silent knowing that his words held the truth. He let out a sigh when he sees the slight look of shame on your face.

"Diamonds..look, I just don't want to lose you..We'll take you to the doctors and everything will be fine.", He says and you just merely nodded feeling sick to your stomach. You knew that they were going to make you stay there for a long time and you weren't looking forward to it.

"You should get some rest.", He told and then left the room.

"G'night Droog. If you need anything, anything at all just ask me or the others ok?", Clubs said and Hearts nodded in agreement. You weakly nodded and Clubs sadly smiles as he and Hearts leave the room. Your head still hurted like hell and you just wanted to go to sleep to escape from the pain but the thought of you suffocating in your sleep kept you awake. What if you stopped breathing while you were sleeping? What if the blood caked in your throat dried up and blocked ar from reaching your tattered lungs? These questions had made you stay up late despite your body screming at you to close your eyes and get some rest. You felt weak, embarrassed and most of all stupid which are three thing Diamonds Droog despises to be. Fianally at about ten you couldn't take it anymore and you drifted off into a not so peaceful sleep.

You then wake up. It was eleven at night now. You only slept for an hour but it felt as if you got no sleep at all. You get up on your feet and wobbly walked to the door and turned the handle only to find that you were locked inside. For the next hour you're trapped in your own thoughts, thinking of how your life in 'confinement' as you thought staying at the hospital would be like. When the clock in the room striked twelve you remember hearing the door creak open a bit and Clubs popped his head in, seeing if you were awake. When he saw you awake he smiled.

"Hey Diamonds, how are you feeling?", He asked hoping to spark a conversation.

"I'm fine.", You said calmly acting like you weren't coughing up a bunch of blood just about a hour ago. Clubs attempted to keep his smile up but it just fell.

"You know, you don't have to lie about your feelings all the time", Clubs said. You were shocked about this absolutely out of character thing Club's just said.

"Spades wants to see you in the meeting room.", Clubs says as he walks out of the room leaving the door unlocked before you could have said anything back to him. You just sighed and wobbly got on your feet again and stumbled out of the room, almost falling down in the process. You slowly walked down the hall with one hand on the wall for support. Your legs felt weak and chest still felt like it was on fire.

"Hey Diamonds!", Hearts said as he walked over to ye' er..I mean you. "Ye' need help getting there?", He asks and you just scowl.

"I'm. Fine.", You said with gritted teeth. "Alright if ye' say so..", He said. The crew always knew not to make you mad even if you were in a weakened state.

You continued to walk until you finally got to the meeting room. The meeting room was where the crew would always have their meetings or just privately talk. You wondered what Spades wanted to talk about. You knocked on the door to the room and Spades opened it.

"Hey Diamonds..we need to talk.", He said and you nod. You tried to walk into the room but you just end up tripping on air and almost falling. Luckily Spades catches you before your head met the ground and worsened your headache.

"Jeez, why didn't you ask Hearts to help you walk here?", He asked as he helped you into one of the chairs. "I could walk on my own.", You said.

"Oh yeah, ya' clearly showed that ya' can walk by yourself without trippin' on fuckin' air.", He said as he rolled his eyes and sits in the chair next to you.

"So I've asked ya' to come so I can ask ya' some questions.", He said and you just nodded.

"How many times have you coughed up blood?", He asked "Only that once", you say and he rolls his eyes once again.

"Bullshit! Tell me the truth Diamonds.", He said. "Twice.."

"And why the fuckin' hell didn't you tell me the first time?",

"..."

"Fuckin' answer me Diamonds!"

"Because this is why! I don't want you guys to view me as looking weak!"

"Diamonds...", He said completely suprised by your unusual outburst. You sighed and put your face in your hands. You got up from the chair and hobbled to you room. You sighed as you plopped down on your bed, not caring how utterly disheveled you looks as you drifted off to sleep.

You then woke up at about ten o' clock in the morning as usual. Since you were the one who always made breakfast you always had a habit of waking up early so you had time to prepare the meal while the others were still asleep so this left you suprised when you walked to the kitchen with unwobbly legs to see that Spades was there with what looked like delicious food.

"Hey, was waitin' for ya'", He says.

"Did you make all of this?", you ask him. Spades has never been a good cook. He always managed to burn his cereal. He always said something about how it wasn't crispy enough.

"Of course I fuckin' did! I'm an excellent cook! Four star food you're eatin' here or maybe five-"

"Oh? Is that why there's a receipt in the trash that is from a restaurant?", You interrupted smugly. "Shut up and eat."

You complied with his order and try to eat some of the food. It was difficult to eat and breathe at the same time though and you didn't feel hungry either so you just took small bites of your toast. Spades on the other hand sat down in the chair next to you and gobbled up his portion of food like a pig. After about three minutes Spades was done with his food and looked over to you and saw that you only ate half of you toast.

"Diamonds, are you gonna' bite the damn thing or are ya' gonna' continue to peck at it like a fuckin' bird?", He asked you with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm just not that hungry..", You said honestly and Spades just nodded in understanding. "Fine...you don't have to eat it if ya' don't want to but you better eat lunch and dinner.", He said and you felt an urge to roll your eyes but you don't. You knew that he was just worried.

You and Spades then put on your coats and go outside. The cold air makes you want to cough again but you hold it in. You don't want what happened yesterday to happen again. You and Spades go into the Crew's shared car. "We're gonna go to the E.R", Spades says.

"It's not an emergency."

"Are you really gonna' tell me that what happened yesterday was not an emergency?", He said and you stayed quiet. You honestly didn't view it as an emergency, if it was wouldn't they have taken you to a hospital already? Spades just sighed and stepped on the pedal of the car and started driving to the hospital. The car ride was silent but you didn't mind because there was nothing to be said at that moment.

After about ten minutes Spades and you arrive at the Midnight City Hospital. Spades parked the car and the both of you hop out.

"Remind me that we're in lot 3D", He said.

"3D should be pretty simple to remember.", You said and he just responded with a 'Shut Up'.

When you guys made it to the E.R you had an urge to smile when the lady at the desk was yelling at Spades for not bringing you in sooner.

"It's fine! Look he's still breathin'..I think.", He said and then turned to you. "Diamonds are ya' still breathin'?", He asked

"Kind of.", You answer truthfully and the three of you stay quiet.

"Anways...you should have brought him in sooner. Go sit down while I see what doctor you'll be assigned to.", The lady said as she tapped away on her computer. The both of nodded and the both of you sat down in the chairs nearby. After about five minutes a doctor came.

"You must be Diamonds Droog?", He asked as he looked down at his clipboard. You nod. "Follow me.", He says and you and Spades followed him down the hall and into a small hospital room with white walls and a bed covered with a thin white cover and hard pillow.

"So.. . You're friend here has informed us of the unfortunate event yesterday.", He said "I'm going to ask you some questions and i just want you to answer them honestly.

He then asked you a series of questions. He started off with simple things like how old were you (39), how long has the coughing lasted (long enough), and then asked you about your symptoms and stuff like that. You answered all of the questions with no problem.

"Ok . We have a policy, well technically every hospital has this policy, that you have to wear these hospital garments since your clothes you have on now might be carrying germs.", He said as he got a neatly folded hospital gown (and get this, it was also white) out of one of the drawers in the room.

"No way.", You immediately said. Not only were you offended at the notion that your clothes might hold germs but you definitely were not wearing anything like that. You couldn't even wear fucking pants for god sake!

"Well you have to.. I don't want to have someone come in here and force you into the garment.", He says.

"Diamonds stop being a fuckin' baby and put the damn dress on"

"It's not a dress..", The doctor says.

"Well it sure looks like one.", Spades says.

"Well..anyways I'll give you time to change.", The doctor said

After the doctor left the room you sighed and looked over to Spades. Spades turned away, thankfully respecting your privacy. You reluctantly slipped out of your precious suit and slowly took your beloved hat off. You didn't know how you were going to last long without the hat or even the suit. You had put on the hospital gown after a long minute.

"Done.", You said and Spades looked over to you and smiled.

"I doesn't look that fuckin' bad!" Spades said but you knew he was lying. Without your suit or hat you're a mess.

You sat down next to Spades and he quirked his eyebrow.

"Ya' ok..?", He asked. Spades was never good at cheering people up so you were happy that he was trying his best at least.

"I'm fine.",You said and he just nodded in understanding. If you didn't want to say anything then you didn't have to. That's one thing you like about Spades. Sometimes he knows when someone doesn't want to talk. It's a mutual understanding you and him had. After a while the doctor finally came. Nothing much to explain in great detail, he just checked your temperature,looked inside your ears,mouth, and listened to your heart. He also checked your blood pressure which he said was a little higher then usual and Spades just snickered. Then he pulled out needle.

"Now this is just going to hurt a bit.", He said as he inched toward you.

"No way.", You said and Spades just rolled his eyes. "C'mon, stop being a big wimp"

You just sighed and let the doctor sticked the needle into your thin arm. The needle collected some of your blood.

"I'll be right back.", the doctor said as he took his clipboard and blood sample and left the room.

"Ya' still ok?", he asks and you just nodded.

The two you sat in silence. A major part of you was still in denial, foolishly believed that nothing was wrong and that pretty soon everything will just go back to normal. Spades had stared at you while you were trapped in your inner thoughts, trying to decipher what you might be thinking of. After a while he looked away and gave up on trying to figure out what you were excogitating and to think himself.

After about thirty minutes of silence the doctor comes back in the room with another needle in his hand and snapped both of you out of your individual thoughts.

"Sorry for taking so long.",The doctor apologized and Spades had just rolled his eyes while muttering a 'Took ya' fuckin' long enough'.

"What's the needle for?",Spades asked while he pointed to the medical device.

"Well we suspect that your friend here might have some sort of chronic lung disease but in order to see what type it is or if he even has one at all I'll need to preform a biopsy."The doctor said. "I just need to inject the needle into your friends chest and get a piece of his lung with the needle.",The doctor added as Spade's confused look showed that he didn't know what a biopsy was. You hated how the doctor talked to Spades like you weren't even there but you held back the comment. You were more concerned about a needle going into your chest more at that current moment. You knew that you had no say in the matter though.

You let out a slightly annoyed sigh as Spades puts a reassuring hand on your shoulder knowing that you didn't like the idea but who the hell would like the idea of a needle touching their lung anyway?

The doctor lifted up your shirt after you give a slight nod to confirm that you were ready and disinfected a part of your chest. You honestly felt uncomfortable and exposed and Spade's smirk didn't help at all. It didn't hurt really at all when the needle first punctured your skin but as it went deeper in your body it started to hurt. You held back a gasp as you felt the needle poke your vital organ. It was extremely uncomfortable and you just wanted it to end. When the doctor finally got out the needle he smiled.

"You see? It wasn't that bad was it?", He asked with a smile. 'Yeah it was worse.',You had thought but didn't respond back. His smile faltered when he received silence.

"I just got to go really quick but i'll be back in a while.",The doctor said as he shuffled out of the room. When he left you let out a sigh you hadn't realized that you were holding. Spades looked over at you and smiled with his sharp teeth.

"Did it hurt?", He asked. You shook your head and he nodded in understanding his smile falling a bit. Both of you knew that that was a lie. The both of you stayed in silence again. You couldn't help but wonder if this was going to be a regular occurrence. You felt that you should've said something to break the silence but you honestly didn't have anything to say.

After a while you started to cough. Spades quickly looked over at you as your cough quickly turned worse. As soon as that familiar crimson liquid came out of your mouth as you uncontrollably coughed he was by your side, rubbing your back.

"Fuck! Not again! It's fine just get it all out, its fine", Spade's said as he tried to desperately stop you excessive coughing. He acted as if he didn't stop the coughing then you would've died and at the time you actually wondered if he thought that was true. Three long minutes pass and nothing had changed. No matter how hard you tried the coughing wouldn't stop. You eventually close your eyes, your lungs hurting from oxygen deprivation, your throat hurting from the blood that started to dry in the inside of your throat. You heard Spades desperately trying to call your name as everything goes black.

**-SomethingSoSmall-**

You groaned as you kept your eyes closed. Your throat hurt and you felt like gagging at the familiar metalic taste in your mouth. Your head hurt and you couldn't remember anything. You slowly opened your eyes, blinking a few times to get them adjusted to the bright light above you. As soon as you saw the white ceiling above you you remembered everything. You were still in that damn hospital. You looked down at yourself and saw that you had an irritating IV in yor arm. You put your left hand on the IV, about to the yank the thing out when a hand stops you.

"Hey that's important." You looked to the side and mentally cursed yourself for not even noticing that Spades was sitting on the chair beside your bed the whole time.

"How long was I asleep?", You asked.

"Two whole days.."

"Were you sitting in that chair the whole time?.."

"Yeah", he said but he didn't even have to. You saw the dark bags under his eyes. You frowned a bit. "Go home and sleep.."

He sighs. "Fine,fine I will fuckin' bossy pants but..I have to tell ya' somethin' first..",Spades said trailing off a bit.

"What?",You asked. Something had to be wrong if Spades was struggling to tell you. He's always been a straight forward man.

"Diamonds...You might be here for a while-"

"I figured that." "Shut up and listen",he says with full seriousness and you stay quiet. The mood had shifted drastically and not for the better.

"Diamonds they said its rare to have this disease that ya' have since your not that old. They think that it was caused by your chronic smoking..", He says as he puts a conforming hand on your shoulder.

**"You have small-celled lung cancer Diamonds..."**

"Lung cancer..", You repeated like an echo, still in a daze by the news. He nods slowly. Lung cancer. You knew it was one of the possible side effects of smoking. You knew it in your gut all along ever since you stepped foot in the hospital. You knew but you denied it. And he knew to. He told you and he might've been drunk and probably doesn't even remember it now but he told you that those things would kill you but you didn't listen. Now that these facts were right in front of your face you wanted to continue to deny them, act like it wasn't real but this was all real and you couldn't change it. Not then, not now, not ever. To bad it took you a while to understand.

"Diamonds..", He said and you avoided his gaze, afraid that if you looked at him and he saw the fear in your eyes your stotic composure that you had always upheld would shatter into pieces.

"It's gonna' be fine..",He said as he tried to think of something comforting to say. Spades wasn't that experienced in comforting people, hell you were suprised he was even trying.

"Before ya' know it you'll be home with the crew again.",Spades said with a slight smile and you just nodded while you still avoided his gaze. "The crew will be with ya' every fuckin' step of the way. I'll be here. I promise." You just nodded again.

"Oh yeah, the fuckin' doctor wants ya' to eat this food.",Spades says as he picked up a tray of food from the nightstand and put it in your lap.

"Bon appetite'",Spades says as he hands you a plastic spork. You sighed but took the spork nonetheless and inspected the food on the tray. The food consisted of watery mashed potatoes and a small rectangular piece of meat that looked like very dry meatloaf.

"Pfft, I could cook better then that crap!",Spades said as he looked at the food on the tray and you rolled your eyes as a hint of smile formed on your face. The food looked bad but not even close to that bad. Spades can manage to burn cereal. Something about how it wasn't crispy enough. You sighed as you put the tray back on the nightstand not even attempting to eat anything on the tray.

"C'mon Diamonds ya' gotta' eat. You're already skinny enough",Spades said as he lifted up your thin arm for emphasise.

"I'm not hungry..",You said truthfully. You didn't feel like eating at the time..it didn't help that you were nauseous from the very idea of having lung cancer. You just didn't feel like swallowing anything, except water. You looked around to see if there was any water that went along with your food and sure enough a glass of warer was on the nightstand. You got the glass of water and drank the whole cup, trying to get the taste of blood out of your mouth.

Spades sighs as you place the empty glass back on the nightstand. "Ya' should eat better Diamonds. You're not gonna get better if you're gonna' eat nothin'",Spades said.

"I'll eat tomorrow..", You reassured him and he nodded ,taking your word.

Spades was about to say something else but got cut off as the smae doctor from the other day walks in.

"Hello sir I'm glad to see that you're awake.",The doctor said with a small smile. You nod in response as you realized that you don't remember the doctor's name. You thought about maybe asking him what his name was but you thought that it might be rude to do so.

"Well...You have small-celled lung cancer as your friend might've told you but don't worry! Here at the Midnight Hospital you'll be walking out of here healthy in no time!",The doctor said.

"How long?..", You asked

"How long what?",The docor asked.

"How long am I going to be here?", You asked. The doctor fidgeted a little as you and Spades looked at him waiting for a response.

"Well you see you're kind of in stage four with your lung cancer and it might take a couple of years, two at the least for the recovery process to be over but-",You didn't listen after that. You had stage four small-celled lung cancer. You were going to be here for two years. You were going to die.

You let all that information seep into you as the doctor is rambling about your treatment options and chemotherapy but you didn't listen. Spades seemed suprised to by the information also. It didn't matter what the doctor was saying about how the chemotherapy will stop the cancer cells from spreading or how he'll make sure your stay comfortable no it didn't matter because both of you knew one thing that the doctor was avoiding to say.

Your survival rate is slim.

You start to feel tired again. Your eyelids drooped and your head felt fuzzy. Spades looked over at you and saw that you were tired.

"Go ahead and go to sleep.",He said as he smiled a bit. You nodded, to tired to protest and you closed your eyes and drifted away into a dark sleep.

**...**

You woke up and looked at the white ceiling above you. You sighed as you saw that the irritating IV was still in your arm. You think about yanking it out but you know that Spades would kick your ass if you did. You looked at the nightstand and saw that a new tray of food was set on it. The tray consisted of french toast sticks and strawberries. You didn't feel that hungry but you knew you had to at least eat something so you started to nibble on a french toast stick. Ten minutes later you only managed to eat half of one of the small sticks. You loved french toast but the idea of having to stay in this hospital depleted your hunger.

You looked at the empty chair next to you and can't help but feel a bit lonesome. You hoped Spades was getting some rest like you had told him to. Your thoughts had started to drift off and you were wondering what the crew was up to. You mused to yourself as you thought of them trying to cook thier own food. The house was going to be a mess when you came back..if you ever came back.

You let out a sigh as you feel boredom stir inside of you. You already missed your hat and your suit. Hell, you missed fucking everything but you knew you weren't going to see any of it for a very long time. After an hour of just you in your thoughts the same doctor comes in with a shot in his hand.

"Its time for your first chemotherapy."

**...**

The next morning you woke up to see another tray of food by your bedside but you didn't bother attempting to eat any of it. You sit up and look down with a sigh. You were not ready for another day at this hospital. You didn't bother looking up as you heard the door open and shut as someone walked in. You expected it to be just another doctor so you were suprised when Spades sat down in the chair next to your bed side.

"What's wrong?", He asked.

"Nothing.", You respond back in a monotone voice.

"What happened?"

"...I had chemotherapy yesterday."

Spades muttered curses at himself under his breath. "God dammit, I'm sorry I wasn't-"

"No it's fine. I'm glad you got some rest.",You say sincerely.

"Ya' wanna' talk about it?",Spades asked. You shake your head. You never were a person that shared his emotions.

"Fine...",He says and your grateful that he dropped the subject or so you thought. The both of you sat together in silence. You eventually smoothed out your hair out of habit and your eyes widened as you felt a bunch of hair fall off. How could you have been so stupid? You lose hair after chemotherapy. You lost your suit and your hat and now this?

You let out an unintentional shaky sigh as you felt unwelcomed tears build up in your eyes. Diamonds Droog does NOT cry,well at least out of emotion, but at the time it felt if that rule might change.

Spades noticed your eyes get shiny from tears. You expected him to tell you to man up or stop acting like a baby but..he sid neither of those things. He put a hand on your shoulder and said "Talking will help."

You looked at him and realized that he wasn't giving you a choice right now so you just decided to go along with it,hoping that you didn't look weak.

"Spades...My head is constantly hurting and so is my chest. My fucking hair is falling out and I'm still coughing up blood. Don't you see Spades? Im going to die! Im just going to rot away here! Why don't you just put a bullet in my head and save your tim-" You stopped talking as you felt a sudden sharp pain on your cheek. You look at him suprised and his eyes were filled with anger. He slapped you.

"Don't ya' ever fuckin' dare say anything like that again! You're important to me and I will never let you die!",He yelled.

You then felt something run down your cheeks. Tears. Spades sighed sadly as he snapped out of his anger and gently wiped the tears away with his hand.

"Hey don't cry..Things will get better and your hair will grow back soon.", He said as he embraced you in a hug. Your cheeks heated up from embarrassment. You couldn't believe that you were showing that much emotion. This was probably the most emotion you ever showed. After five minutes of you crying in his arms you finally stop.

"Ya' feel better now?", Spades asked with a slight smile.

"I...I actually kind of do.", You said. It felt like a lot of things were off your shoulders now and you honestly felt a lot better.

"Told ya' so!", He said with a grin but his grin fell as soon as he saw the full tray still on the nightstand, untouched.

"Why the fuck aren't ya' eatin'?",Spades asked.

"Haven't been feeling hungry lately."

"Ya' look like a fuckin' twig. Ya' need to eat Diamonds."

"..."

You sighed but you knew that he wasn't going to let this go so you might as well have get it out of the way. You slowly lifted up your arm and grabbed the spork. You looked at Spades and cursed at him inside your head as you saw that he was watching your every movement. You were hoping that you could drop some of the food in the garbage can located at your bed side but it seemed like that wouldn't be possible when Spades was watching you like a hawk.

"Diamonds I'm not gonna' turn the other way so you can throw it all away",he stated and you just slightly glared at him. God dammit Spades knew you to well sometimes. You slowly scooped up some of the scrambled eggs on the tray and put them on your mouth. You slowly chewed them as you registered the horrible taste and swallowed thickly, almost gagging as the went down your throat.

"See, that wasn't that hard!",Spades said with a knowing grin as he clapped his hand on your back. You just rolled your eyes in amusement.

After a full hour of Spades watching you slowly eat the food on the tray was halfway eaten...more or less. You feel nauseous as you held back the urge to vomit. Diamonds Droog does not vomit but a lot of things changed in those days.

"Good job Droogy! I knew ya' could do it!",Spades said as he patted your head.

"Shut up.", You said with a slightly annoyed tone.

Spades laughed at the annoyance on your face. He stopped laughing then as if he just remembered something.

"Oh yeah, Clubs and Hearts wanted me to give this to ya'",Spades said as he pulled out what looked like a handmade card that has a drawing of four people drawn in crayon. If you were someone else you would have looked at the drawing and thought it was just scribbled but you were Diamonds Droog and you have seen one of Club's drawings he does almost everyday, at least you used to. The drawing was of the crew and each one of them had a smile on their face in the picture, including you. In sloppy handwriting the words "Get Well Soon!" were places on the top.

You opened the card and read two notes that were in the card. One was written in sloppy handwriting and had many misspelled words and the other was written in fairly nice handwriting and didn't have any misspelled words.

The card went like this:

"_Deer Diamonds,_

_Spades told me you are veerry sick and you mite not be home for a wile.. I reely do miss you! I hope you get beter soon and mak shure to get lotz of wrest! Oh and don't forget to eat helthy foods!_

_-Clubs_

_"Hey Diamonds,Spades told me you got cancer. We both decided not to tell Clubs..you know how he gets when we tell him bad news. I hope ya get better. Spades has been moody while you're gone and his cooking sucks to. I'm not sure what goes on in that head of yours since your never sharing anything with us but make sure to stay positive and don't freak out about being bald. I'll tell ya what, as soon as ya come out of the hospital we'll all go out drinking at the bar, my treat!_

_-Hearts_

You smiled softly at the card for a second but the smile vanished as fast as it came. You really were lucky to have great friends. You stared at the card for a minute happy to see a drawing of Club's. You guessed he was getting kind of better although he still couldn't color in the lines. You put the card positioned on the nightstand and looked at Spades.

"Don't worry they're gonna' come visit ya' after they finish a mission they're on. They should be back soon.",Spades tod you and you nodded back in understanding.

"Spades...When you get back home go in my room and read the cookbook in the bookshelf. You should be able to find it.", You said remembering what Heart's said in the letter.

"I'm not reading a whole book, who the hell do ya' think I am?"

"You don't have to. I just feel bad for Clubs and Hearts who have to eat your horrible cooking"

He scowls, a bit offended since he always believed that his cooking was good no matter how many times you and the rest of the crew told him otherwise. He then rolls his eyes with a slight grin on his face.

That whole week went by like that. Spades visited you each and every day and even spent the whole night with you, sitting in the uncomfortable chair. The chemotherapy continued everyday also unfortunately. Sores started developing in your mouth from it and it only took a couple of days for your hair to be completely gone. You felt slightly embarrassed insde about being bald. When you mentioned it to Spades he would just roll his eyes and tell you that you looked fine. Each time he said that though you didn't believe it. You guess that he got pretty tired of your complaining because after a couple of days he came to vist you with a suprise.

"Here.", He said as he handed you a box that was wrapped in blue. You knew that it wasn't Christmas since it had passed before you were admitted into the hospital.

"What is it?", You asked as you inspected the box, shaking a bit to try and see what noise the item inside made.

"That's for you to find out!",He said with a grin. You gave him a confused look and he sighed.

"Just fuckin' open it!" You complied with his demand and neatly took off the peices of tape and unwrapped the box slowly, revealing a very small smile as you heard Spades grumble about you being to slow. When you finally opened the box your eyes widened slightly in suprise.

Your hat. Your hat was in the box.

You literally had to keep from grinning as you took the hat out of the box and placed it on your head.

"Make sure not to wear it when the doctors come in or they'll just take it, them bastards saying you can't have any articles of clothing on from the outside..",Spades grumbled and then he looked at you and just stared. You looked back and looked into his eyes, confused at this strange glint of emotionin his eyes.

Was it...fear? But fear of what? You were interrupted from your thoughts when Spades suddenly hugged you.

"God dammit Diamonds! You better not fuckin' die on me ok?",He said suddenly and you nodded. After a minute he let go and sat back down. The both of you then started talking like nothing happened. Like everything was normal.

The next day was the day that sense of normality was shattered though. After a simple test of the doctor weighing,measuring,and inspecting the doctor didn't utter a word about your current state to you. He just wrote everything down on his clipboard and asked a few questions.

"I'll be right back..", the doctor said as he left the room and went into the hallway. You presumed that he had told something to Spades because you hear a "WHAT?!" yelled from the hallway where Spades was sitting, waiting for the checkup to be over. You heard a bunch of talking but couldn't quite make it out.

"DAMMIT DIAMONDS!",Spades yells as he slams open the door. You were startled by the sudden noise but Spades didn't care.

"TELL ME WHY THE FUCK YOU AREN'T EATING!",Spades demanded. You looked down. Yeah you weren't eating that much, throwing away the food when Spades went to the bathroom or went home but it wasn't your fault. You start to feel really nauseous when you eat.

"Diamonds!",Spades says again waiting for your response.

"Spades I'm not anorexic I just don't ever really feel hungry. Always feels like I'm going to throw up..",You responded and he just let out a sigh.

"Droog..You're 18 pounds underweight..I'm going to have to make sure you eat now..",Spades said as he sat next to you on the hospital bed. You nodded but felt horrible. You honestly didn't realize what you were doing to yourself and now you were burdening Spades. You honestly felt completely useless.

"I just care about ya' Droog...If you want to get better then you're going to have to start eating ok?",He asked and you nooded in response.

So after that day you were stuck eating half a tray of that disgusting hospital food. Spades once pushed it up to two thirds of each tray but that managed to make you vomit the first try. Everything seemed like it was starting to look up, that maybe you weren't actually going to perish, that everything will magically go back to normal until Spades gave you the news. He ran into the room and seemed to be in a frantic state.

"Diamonds I got something to tell ya..",Spades began and you nodded, signaling him to go on.

"I gotta' go help Clubs and Hearts with that mission..I'll be back in a week at the most."

"Is everything ok?",You asked and he nooded fastly. Something was wrong.

"Take care of yourself ok?", Spades asked and you nodded. He smiled. What the hell was going on that day?

"Spades..I know I never said this but...thank you for everything.", You said and for a second he seemed suprised but he quickly shook it off.

"No problem Diamonds. See ya' in a week.", Spades said with a small smile and there he was, running out of the room in a big hurry. You remember sitting there, wondering what just happened. Wondering where he was off to and why. You looked to the tray on the side and threw the food away. You weren't so hungry.

Its funny how loneliness feels. I didn't feel it until after eight days. Spades didn't come back after a week. I quickly shrugged this off as him just being busy or maybe even tired from this mission he went on but after another week passed I knew it was something more. Weeks turned into months. Four months to be exact. You were still in the extensive stage of your cancer, you were even more underweight, and you were having more bloody coughing fits. In other words you were still dying.

You no longer had a good nights sleep. Nightmares of the crew dying or even worse...nightmares of them saying that they've given up on you and that you were useless plagued your sleep until you were scared to close your eyes. You would just stare at the white ceiling all night trying desperately not to think of them never coming back but when you're in a small room, not aloud to get up not thinking about something important to you becomes rather hard.

So you wanted to go.

You wanted to escape the hospital, try to find Spades and the crew and face the truth if they don't like you anymore. These blank white walls surrounding you have become a cell and you want out. You made plans of escaping in your head morning and night but the real question was

Would you really do it?

Of course you did. You will.

There. That's the backstory. Now back to you by the window. You continue to look out the window. You were never really supposed to go by the window. Not only was it far from the bed which would require you to get up but the doctors are always afraid about the sick people trying to commit suicide. You don't wish to commit suicide though. You just want to see them again.

You put you foot out of the window and place it on the branch of the near by tree, planning to use it to climb down. But where would you go after that? The base? What if they're not there? You shake your head. You'll make the plans after you get down.

"DIAMONDS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?", A familiar voice asks you. You attempt to turn around but you forgot about your foot on the branch and you fall forward, hittin your head on the tree branch hard and then suddenly your falling. In these moments you know that you're on the fifth story floor so you're going to die and you accept that. Not nessesarily the way you planned to die but you were going to die anyways weren't you? But..what about Spades?..

You have no time to think anymore though because suddenly your body colides with the concrete ground and your vision goes black.

But before you closed your eyes you heard your name being called and you smiled knowingly at who's voice that was.

Spades...

**Now before you ask, yes there is going to be an epilogue. Also Book Of Midnight Secrets is on hiatus. After I finish the second chapter of this I'm going to make a Victubia story which I plan to make quite long. Merry Christmas.**

**Please review and no flames please.**


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